The John Leslie Story

John Leslie:  A Hard Life
                    by John Leslie


     All my life I've just been considered a life-support system for my cock.  Even I, too, have thought that about myself on occassion.  But, now that I'm older, and can only have sex 3 maybe 4 times a day, now I think it's time for me to give you the heads-up, the low-down, and the huckle-buck about my co-stars in the porno industry.

     Johnny Holmes--I've always had the suspicion that he was of the kind that big-dick stereotypes have evolved from.  He once told me this story about his time in prison: 
     When he first entered his jailcell, his cellmate--a big, mean-looking prisoner--told him,  "The first thing we're gonna do is decide who you're gonna be.  Are you gonna be the wife or the husband?" 
     Johhny had to think quick.
     "Why, I'll be the husband," he said.  Rather cleverly, he thought.
     "That's good," the hulking giant said.  "Now come suck your wife's dick!"

     Jaime Gillis--He isn't really the Anti-Christ.  That "666" birthmark is just an unfortunate coincidence.

     Ron Jeremy--I can remember his first words to me when we were first introduced:  "Oink! Oink!"

     Traci Lords--Around the porno sets, she was affectionately referred to as "Queen Bitch."  With a pussy that big, who could tell she was under-aged?

     Jerry Butler--"Mr. Duh."  I'm not saying he's stupid, I'm just saying it takes him an hour to cook Minute Rice.

     Loise Aires--Man, she had a stinky pussy.  If you think a shit shake that's been left out in the sun for a week smells bad, you haven't smelled her pussy yet.  No truth to the rumor that a dog once showed up to the set, took a whiff between her legs, and threw up.
     The stench finally got so bad she had to go see a doctor to find out what the matter was.  After a careful and thorough examination, the doctor told Loise that she had a bad case of the "zacklies."
     "The 'zacklies'?" she yelled.  "What the fuck are the 'zacklies'?"
     The doctor took a deep, wise breath.
     "The 'zacklies'" he patiently explained, "is when your pussy smells 'zackly' like your ass!"

     Ginger Lynn--In the porno business, she was known as the blow-job poster child.  He legs could bend like Gumby's.

     Vanessa Del Rio--I'm not spilling any secrets here, but her clit's so big, I think she qualifies as a man.

          theabcsofsex.blogspot.com

The Best Defense...

Can't get your little soldier to salute?  That's okay, it's probably her fault anyway.  Even if it's not, it's always best to make her think it is.  So, with that in mind, I offer you:


Ten Excuses Men Make When...  Well, You Know

1.  My mom called today.

2.  Maybe if you were prettier.

3. You're just too damn fat.

4.  ZZ Top has less hair.

5.  I'm not used to lowering my standards.

6.  It must be you, because I sure don't have this problem when I cheat on you.

7.  Do you dress like my mom on purpose?

8.  By any chance, did you used to be a man?  No reason.

9.  If you left now, you wouldn't have to hurry home.

10.  What's that smell?

The Afterglow

Ten Things A Woman Says Before Or After Sex

1.  You do bathe, don't you?

2.  What's white and twelve inches?  Not you!

3.  How did I find you in the dark?  It wasn't hard.

4.  Don't worry.  Size doesn't matter.  Now if you only had some size.

5.  That was the best four seconds of my life.

6.  No, really.  I don't mind you having you having your orgasm before you're done with the first stroke.

7.  No, my favorite part was not when you imitated Curly from The Three Stooges.

8.  The reason I like to fantasize is because I like to pretend you're a man.

9.  I don't care if it's shape makes it fit naturally in my mouth.

10.  Okay, I'm ready to start.  What do you mean you're done?

Snoregasm

I don't know what happened.  Things were going great until she caught me stirring her drink with my dick.

"It's only money.  It's not worth getting killed over."

Happier'n Charlie Sheen meeting Tennessee trailer trash.

The Joy of Flesh.

Dick you down proper.

Strickly dickly.

If dogs sweat through their tongues, then what are their armpits for?

Why do men fall asleep after sex?  So they don't have to talk to their wives afterward.
I'd like to crrack her like a safe.

Blood relations are the only women you shouldn't be having sex with.

I believe that people with problems are put on this Earth for my amusement.