"Did you ask the priest for help?"
"Yes. He made me blow him."
"That's your girlfriend? Man, you're playing with fire."
"That's okay. I've got a hose."
Kids in elementary school are learning the kind of math I used to avoid in high school.
I was married for several meaningful minutes to a Vegas hooker.
I enjoy eating at McDonald's... and my toilet enjoys it two hours later.
Those were the good times. I was young. I was in high school. I didn't know what a prostate was. Much less that it would eventually have to be checked or how it would be checked.
Guaranteed to void even the strongest digestive system.
Guaranteed to void even the strongest intestine.
Guaranteed to void even the strongest colon.
Cops, calories, cost, confusion, communicable diseases, and you can throw in conception
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
It's The Logical Progression...
It's the logical progression. One week you're saving the Rain Forest, the next you're sucking dick.
His eyes bug out in direct proportion to how lost he thinks I am.
Like a dog looking for its pack. Don't take the good with the bad. Take the good with the better. Why include bad as one of your options?
Jesus died for my sins, but He keeps throwing it back in my face.
Or how about George Zimmerman, who... well, okay, bad example.
Why are jerks so appealing to women?
Why are crazy women so sexy?
"Yeah, whatever," she apologized.
El Paso! Forget Columbia, our prostitutes know how to keep their mouths shut!
"Jesus wouldn't do that."
"Yeah, well, Jesus don't live around here no more."
His eyes bug out in direct proportion to how lost he thinks I am.
Like a dog looking for its pack. Don't take the good with the bad. Take the good with the better. Why include bad as one of your options?
Jesus died for my sins, but He keeps throwing it back in my face.
Or how about George Zimmerman, who... well, okay, bad example.
Why are jerks so appealing to women?
Why are crazy women so sexy?
"Yeah, whatever," she apologized.
El Paso! Forget Columbia, our prostitutes know how to keep their mouths shut!
"Jesus wouldn't do that."
"Yeah, well, Jesus don't live around here no more."
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Faster Than...
Faster than the speed of lies.
When my ex-wife dies, I went to the funeral just to make sure she was dead.
She's not a classic beauty. And by classic, I mean pleasing to the eye.
They say you don't have any energy after sex, but the girls I have sex with usually have just enough energy to ask me for money.
I said "Holy Mackeral!" Only I didn't say "mackeral."
The Man From F.A.G.G.O.T. (Federal Agency for Global Goodness and Other Things)
The more complicated a story gets, the less true it probably is.
Zombie Elvis: Instead of kissing the girls in his audience... he eats their brains!
"Until death do us part." It begins as a promise, it ends as a goal.
My 1st wife was a trophy wife, but it was for last place.
When my ex-wife dies, I went to the funeral just to make sure she was dead.
She's not a classic beauty. And by classic, I mean pleasing to the eye.
They say you don't have any energy after sex, but the girls I have sex with usually have just enough energy to ask me for money.
I said "Holy Mackeral!" Only I didn't say "mackeral."
The Man From F.A.G.G.O.T. (Federal Agency for Global Goodness and Other Things)
The more complicated a story gets, the less true it probably is.
Zombie Elvis: Instead of kissing the girls in his audience... he eats their brains!
"Until death do us part." It begins as a promise, it ends as a goal.
My 1st wife was a trophy wife, but it was for last place.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Being Unappreciative...
It's not that I'm unappreciative. It's that I show my appreciation by doing what can be misconstrued as being unappreciative.
The itch of the unwritten word.
Genius happens in clusters.
Comforting the enemy of creativity.
Li'l Jimmy Farakan
I was the first white man to perform on Soul Train. Some say David Bowie was. I said "man."
Rick Perry, who's not only our Governor, but was a terrific WWE wrestler. Something that doesn't ever get mentioned.
Everybody looks good from the Hubble Telescope.
Let's face it. The media deals with stereotypes and profiling. They'll present you the way you present yourself. So our image is determined by the image we present. Men and/or the media don't make up images. They're too lazy, and lack imagination to do that.
A hand-up is better than a hand-out... but nothing beats a hand-job.
theabcsofsex.blogspot.com
The itch of the unwritten word.
Genius happens in clusters.
Comforting the enemy of creativity.
Li'l Jimmy Farakan
I was the first white man to perform on Soul Train. Some say David Bowie was. I said "man."
Rick Perry, who's not only our Governor, but was a terrific WWE wrestler. Something that doesn't ever get mentioned.
Everybody looks good from the Hubble Telescope.
Let's face it. The media deals with stereotypes and profiling. They'll present you the way you present yourself. So our image is determined by the image we present. Men and/or the media don't make up images. They're too lazy, and lack imagination to do that.
A hand-up is better than a hand-out... but nothing beats a hand-job.
theabcsofsex.blogspot.com
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Sky Grifters...
Too broke for God.
This is a subject so sensitive I don't know if I can find the humor in it, just as you--my loyal reader--are hard-pressed to find the humor in this blog.
Goofus & Gallant
What do you call Kermit and Miss Piggy's children?
Hybrid monster babies
Frog-pig babies
Miss Piggy get an abortion
Don't drag the kids into it
The Help. Alternate title: White People Bad. Black People Good.
Thank God For Whitey
Dylan expresses in one sentence what some take a whole book to explain.
We need to rise up like those monkeys in those Planet of the Apes movies.
I'm gonna punch you like the punching-bag shape you're like.
Putting on a Superman costume or putting a towel around your neck and pretending you're a superhero doesn't mean you can fly.
That's as old as the dirt you're walking on.
The ABC's of S-E-X @
theabcsofsex.blogspot.com
jimduchene.blogspot.com
This is a subject so sensitive I don't know if I can find the humor in it, just as you--my loyal reader--are hard-pressed to find the humor in this blog.
Goofus & Gallant
What do you call Kermit and Miss Piggy's children?
Hybrid monster babies
Frog-pig babies
Miss Piggy get an abortion
Don't drag the kids into it
The Help. Alternate title: White People Bad. Black People Good.
Thank God For Whitey
Dylan expresses in one sentence what some take a whole book to explain.
We need to rise up like those monkeys in those Planet of the Apes movies.
I'm gonna punch you like the punching-bag shape you're like.
Putting on a Superman costume or putting a towel around your neck and pretending you're a superhero doesn't mean you can fly.
That's as old as the dirt you're walking on.
The ABC's of S-E-X @
theabcsofsex.blogspot.com
jimduchene.blogspot.com
Saturday, April 28, 2012
The John Leslie Story
John Leslie: A Hard Life
by John Leslie
All my life I've just been considered a life-support system for my cock. Even I, too, have thought that about myself on occassion. But, now that I'm older, and can only have sex 3 maybe 4 times a day, now I think it's time for me to give you the heads-up, the low-down, and the huckle-buck about my co-stars in the porno industry.
Johnny Holmes--I've always had the suspicion that he was of the kind that big-dick stereotypes have evolved from. He once told me this story about his time in prison:
When he first entered his jailcell, his cellmate--a big, mean-looking prisoner--told him, "The first thing we're gonna do is decide who you're gonna be. Are you gonna be the wife or the husband?"
Johhny had to think quick.
"Why, I'll be the husband," he said. Rather cleverly, he thought.
"That's good," the hulking giant said. "Now come suck your wife's dick!"
Jaime Gillis--He isn't really the Anti-Christ. That "666" birthmark is just an unfortunate coincidence.
Ron Jeremy--I can remember his first words to me when we were first introduced: "Oink! Oink!"
Traci Lords--Around the porno sets, she was affectionately referred to as "Queen Bitch." With a pussy that big, who could tell she was under-aged?
Jerry Butler--"Mr. Duh." I'm not saying he's stupid, I'm just saying it takes him an hour to cook Minute Rice.
Loise Aires--Man, she had a stinky pussy. If you think a shit shake that's been left out in the sun for a week smells bad, you haven't smelled her pussy yet. No truth to the rumor that a dog once showed up to the set, took a whiff between her legs, and threw up.
The stench finally got so bad she had to go see a doctor to find out what the matter was. After a careful and thorough examination, the doctor told Loise that she had a bad case of the "zacklies."
"The 'zacklies'?" she yelled. "What the fuck are the 'zacklies'?"
The doctor took a deep, wise breath.
"The 'zacklies'" he patiently explained, "is when your pussy smells 'zackly' like your ass!"
Ginger Lynn--In the porno business, she was known as the blow-job poster child. He legs could bend like Gumby's.
Vanessa Del Rio--I'm not spilling any secrets here, but her clit's so big, I think she qualifies as a man.
theabcsofsex.blogspot.com
by John Leslie
All my life I've just been considered a life-support system for my cock. Even I, too, have thought that about myself on occassion. But, now that I'm older, and can only have sex 3 maybe 4 times a day, now I think it's time for me to give you the heads-up, the low-down, and the huckle-buck about my co-stars in the porno industry.
Johnny Holmes--I've always had the suspicion that he was of the kind that big-dick stereotypes have evolved from. He once told me this story about his time in prison:
When he first entered his jailcell, his cellmate--a big, mean-looking prisoner--told him, "The first thing we're gonna do is decide who you're gonna be. Are you gonna be the wife or the husband?"
Johhny had to think quick.
"Why, I'll be the husband," he said. Rather cleverly, he thought.
"That's good," the hulking giant said. "Now come suck your wife's dick!"
Jaime Gillis--He isn't really the Anti-Christ. That "666" birthmark is just an unfortunate coincidence.
Ron Jeremy--I can remember his first words to me when we were first introduced: "Oink! Oink!"
Traci Lords--Around the porno sets, she was affectionately referred to as "Queen Bitch." With a pussy that big, who could tell she was under-aged?
Jerry Butler--"Mr. Duh." I'm not saying he's stupid, I'm just saying it takes him an hour to cook Minute Rice.
Loise Aires--Man, she had a stinky pussy. If you think a shit shake that's been left out in the sun for a week smells bad, you haven't smelled her pussy yet. No truth to the rumor that a dog once showed up to the set, took a whiff between her legs, and threw up.
The stench finally got so bad she had to go see a doctor to find out what the matter was. After a careful and thorough examination, the doctor told Loise that she had a bad case of the "zacklies."
"The 'zacklies'?" she yelled. "What the fuck are the 'zacklies'?"
The doctor took a deep, wise breath.
"The 'zacklies'" he patiently explained, "is when your pussy smells 'zackly' like your ass!"
Ginger Lynn--In the porno business, she was known as the blow-job poster child. He legs could bend like Gumby's.
Vanessa Del Rio--I'm not spilling any secrets here, but her clit's so big, I think she qualifies as a man.
theabcsofsex.blogspot.com
Saturday, April 21, 2012
The Best Defense...
Can't get your little soldier to salute? That's okay, it's probably her fault anyway. Even if it's not, it's always best to make her think it is. So, with that in mind, I offer you:
Ten Excuses Men Make When... Well, You Know
1. My mom called today.
2. Maybe if you were prettier.
3. You're just too damn fat.
4. ZZ Top has less hair.
5. I'm not used to lowering my standards.
6. It must be you, because I sure don't have this problem when I cheat on you.
7. Do you dress like my mom on purpose?
8. By any chance, did you used to be a man? No reason.
9. If you left now, you wouldn't have to hurry home.
10. What's that smell?
Ten Excuses Men Make When... Well, You Know
1. My mom called today.
2. Maybe if you were prettier.
3. You're just too damn fat.
4. ZZ Top has less hair.
5. I'm not used to lowering my standards.
6. It must be you, because I sure don't have this problem when I cheat on you.
7. Do you dress like my mom on purpose?
8. By any chance, did you used to be a man? No reason.
9. If you left now, you wouldn't have to hurry home.
10. What's that smell?
Saturday, April 14, 2012
The Afterglow
Ten Things A Woman Says Before Or After Sex
1. You do bathe, don't you?
2. What's white and twelve inches? Not you!
3. How did I find you in the dark? It wasn't hard.
4. Don't worry. Size doesn't matter. Now if you only had some size.
5. That was the best four seconds of my life.
6. No, really. I don't mind you having you having your orgasm before you're done with the first stroke.
7. No, my favorite part was not when you imitated Curly from The Three Stooges.
8. The reason I like to fantasize is because I like to pretend you're a man.
9. I don't care if it's shape makes it fit naturally in my mouth.
10. Okay, I'm ready to start. What do you mean you're done?
1. You do bathe, don't you?
2. What's white and twelve inches? Not you!
3. How did I find you in the dark? It wasn't hard.
4. Don't worry. Size doesn't matter. Now if you only had some size.
5. That was the best four seconds of my life.
6. No, really. I don't mind you having you having your orgasm before you're done with the first stroke.
7. No, my favorite part was not when you imitated Curly from The Three Stooges.
8. The reason I like to fantasize is because I like to pretend you're a man.
9. I don't care if it's shape makes it fit naturally in my mouth.
10. Okay, I'm ready to start. What do you mean you're done?
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Snoregasm
I don't know what happened. Things were going great until she caught me stirring her drink with my dick.
"It's only money. It's not worth getting killed over."
Happier'n Charlie Sheen meeting Tennessee trailer trash.
The Joy of Flesh.
Dick you down proper.
Strickly dickly.
If dogs sweat through their tongues, then what are their armpits for?
Why do men fall asleep after sex? So they don't have to talk to their wives afterward.
I'd like to crrack her like a safe.
Blood relations are the only women you shouldn't be having sex with.
I believe that people with problems are put on this Earth for my amusement.
"It's only money. It's not worth getting killed over."
Happier'n Charlie Sheen meeting Tennessee trailer trash.
The Joy of Flesh.
Dick you down proper.
Strickly dickly.
If dogs sweat through their tongues, then what are their armpits for?
Why do men fall asleep after sex? So they don't have to talk to their wives afterward.
I'd like to crrack her like a safe.
Blood relations are the only women you shouldn't be having sex with.
I believe that people with problems are put on this Earth for my amusement.
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Top Ten X-Ray...
The Top Ten X-Ray Punchlines
1. You want to tell me how that gerbil really got in there?
2. Of course we can remove the penis. But first you'll have to unclench your buttocks.
3. The correct medical terminology for checking your prostate is I'M STICKING THIS FINGER UP YOUR ASS!
4. According to this... you're a homo.
5. You need an emergency addadictomy.
6. No, you won't need surgery to remove that penis. Just open your mouth.
7. Tell me again how you "accidentally" sat on that beer bottle.
8. It's just as you feared... you're gutless.
9. I was wondering where I left my keys.
10. Well, I'll be damned. You really ARE a woman trapped inside a man's body.
1. You want to tell me how that gerbil really got in there?
2. Of course we can remove the penis. But first you'll have to unclench your buttocks.
3. The correct medical terminology for checking your prostate is I'M STICKING THIS FINGER UP YOUR ASS!
4. According to this... you're a homo.
5. You need an emergency addadictomy.
6. No, you won't need surgery to remove that penis. Just open your mouth.
7. Tell me again how you "accidentally" sat on that beer bottle.
8. It's just as you feared... you're gutless.
9. I was wondering where I left my keys.
10. Well, I'll be damned. You really ARE a woman trapped inside a man's body.
Friday, March 16, 2012
'Cept The Devil
Ain't nothing out this late, 'cept the devil.
She was like a full-service playground.
Alca-homo's.
Reproduction has choreographed the dance of life.
Happier than Bill Clinton meeting Mississippi trailer trash.
I fucked her so good... her moma had an orgasm.
I fucked her so good... her daddy felt it.
I fucked her so good... her brother wanted to kick my ass, but he didn't know why.
I fucked her so good... even her sister slept like a baby that night.
You'll take her to the altar, and she'll take you to the cleaners.
She was like a full-service playground.
Alca-homo's.
Reproduction has choreographed the dance of life.
Happier than Bill Clinton meeting Mississippi trailer trash.
I fucked her so good... her moma had an orgasm.
I fucked her so good... her daddy felt it.
I fucked her so good... her brother wanted to kick my ass, but he didn't know why.
I fucked her so good... even her sister slept like a baby that night.
You'll take her to the altar, and she'll take you to the cleaners.
Flatso
Fetus don't fail me now.
She took it so deep that m pubes were tickling her nose.
Menage a twat. Me, her, and her nagging.
She was like a full-service gas station.
The Jeffrey Dahmer. First I'm gonna fuck you, then I'm gonna eat you.
One way to get around foreplay, is to say: "I've got to have you NOW!"
People don't believe the truth. They believe what they want to believe is the truth.
Women are two people. The one's you date, and the one's you're married to.
"You don't get it."
"Oh, I get it. And I give it pretty good, too."
Semi-tough = half a hard-on.
She took it so deep that m pubes were tickling her nose.
Menage a twat. Me, her, and her nagging.
She was like a full-service gas station.
The Jeffrey Dahmer. First I'm gonna fuck you, then I'm gonna eat you.
One way to get around foreplay, is to say: "I've got to have you NOW!"
People don't believe the truth. They believe what they want to believe is the truth.
Women are two people. The one's you date, and the one's you're married to.
"You don't get it."
"Oh, I get it. And I give it pretty good, too."
Semi-tough = half a hard-on.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Bragging About...
Bragging about... is like bragging about getting lucky with your own wife.
Big Louie D & His All Chorizo Band. House of Chorizo. The Kielbasa Kid. Kid Chorizo. Kid Kielbasa. King Chorizo.
You talk so much to say so little.
I'll suck on your pussy until your head caves in.
Of course I love you. Especially that fuzzy little thing you sit on.
"Too bad. Fuck him."
I'm sure she meant that in a nice way.
"You know, you remind me of Abraham Lincoln. He also slept with a lot of men."
"Softball? Wasn't that your nickname when you worked the jailhouse?"
"You and your family should visit more often. Well, not so much you."
When a man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man, it's Kill'er Time. When a man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another woman, it's Miller Time.
Big Louie D & His All Chorizo Band. House of Chorizo. The Kielbasa Kid. Kid Chorizo. Kid Kielbasa. King Chorizo.
You talk so much to say so little.
I'll suck on your pussy until your head caves in.
Of course I love you. Especially that fuzzy little thing you sit on.
"Too bad. Fuck him."
I'm sure she meant that in a nice way.
"You know, you remind me of Abraham Lincoln. He also slept with a lot of men."
"Softball? Wasn't that your nickname when you worked the jailhouse?"
"You and your family should visit more often. Well, not so much you."
When a man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man, it's Kill'er Time. When a man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another woman, it's Miller Time.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
A Trilogy Of Two
Give her to Mikey. He'll eat anything.
The Bars of Christopher Street.
"I'm going to bed. Care to join me?"
"You bet'cha!"
I hope mankind never destroys the Earth. Otherwise, I'd have to find a new place to store all my stuff.
Her hoo-hah.
When a couple has a problem, the woman's solution is that the man must change.
Roughing up the suspect.
I looked past her imperfections... and straight to her 16 year-old daughter.
She's falling apart like the Japanese economy.
Gather Ye Nookie While Ye May.
The Bars of Christopher Street.
"I'm going to bed. Care to join me?"
"You bet'cha!"
I hope mankind never destroys the Earth. Otherwise, I'd have to find a new place to store all my stuff.
Her hoo-hah.
When a couple has a problem, the woman's solution is that the man must change.
Roughing up the suspect.
I looked past her imperfections... and straight to her 16 year-old daughter.
She's falling apart like the Japanese economy.
Gather Ye Nookie While Ye May.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
What Smells Worse...
If you're gonna give it to me, then give it to me. Don't act as if you're giving away gold.
You suck, and then you swallow. What's so hard about that?
What's a "straw"?
Chin up. Both of them.
I'm here to conduct the exorcism, and avail myself of the buffet.
You don't have a learner's permit to be a man.
Like Abraham Lincoln, I, too, have been called The Railsplitter.
As cold as the slit between my ex-wife's legs.
Nothing in the constitution.
VD & the in-laws.
You suck, and then you swallow. What's so hard about that?
What's a "straw"?
Chin up. Both of them.
I'm here to conduct the exorcism, and avail myself of the buffet.
You don't have a learner's permit to be a man.
Like Abraham Lincoln, I, too, have been called The Railsplitter.
As cold as the slit between my ex-wife's legs.
Nothing in the constitution.
VD & the in-laws.
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